reviews come prepacked with ratings on the various scales: sharp to smooth, can design, and overall rating. ratings are denoted using this scale: [==[ number ]==]. the scale is from 1-5, with 1 being [[ 1 ]====] and 5 being [====[ 5 ]]. if halves are needed, they will look like [=:[ 1.5 ]:====]. just a fun style i came up with, and fancier than the regular old asterisk stars.
in the beginning, there was only Monster. the original pisstake, battery acid in a can, stomach burner Monster.
sharp to smooth:
[[ 1 ]====] - this drink would cut you if it could. i have to take antacids every time. without fail. worth it though.
can design:
[====[ 5 ]] - the classic. black and lime green, one of my favourite colour duos out there. striking design all around.
overall rating:
[====[ 5 ]] - unfortunately im a pervert for battery acid. it's a craving i get in the middle of the night, a humming in the back of my teeth. i may not be right in the eyes of the public, but i am right in the eyes of the universe.
a competent carbonated fruit punch. tasty, but nothing to write home about. first sips may be jarring, so be prepared - it's not you, it's the drink.
sharp to smooth:
[==:[ 2.5 ]:===] - able to be chugged, but tingles on the tongue in a pleasant way.
can design:
[[ 1 ]====] - the name and print make me feel like a poser just by association. the bright pink and newsprint cutout font seem to echo the variety of corporate "punk" veneer commonly attributed to 10 year old girls clothing in the late 2000s. safety pins and sketchy doodles do not a punk make, and looking at this can will make you feel like you just picked up a battle jacket off of Amazon. close your eyes for this one.
overall rating:
[==[ 3 ]==] - i like it, but every time i look at the can i cringe so hard i invert. not what i usually reach for in the convenience store fridges.
there's a reason i call this one 'sweetheart', and it's not just the mint colour of the can. zippy and fresh, with a sweet aftertaste.
sharp to smooth:
[=[ 2 ]===] - acidic bite, but doesn't immediately give me heartburn.
can design:
[====:[ 4.5 ]:=] - a fun, inviting mint green and hot pink, with vapourwave designs printed on it. only docked half a point because of the commodification of vapourwave.
overall rating:
[====[ 5 ]] - one of my favourites. it's flirty, it's fun, it's so fucking cute. pick this one up immediately!
this one literally just tastes like peach gummies.
sharp to smooth:
[===[ 4 ]=] - bubbly start, silky finish.
can design:
[==[ 3 ]==] - hippie dippie indeed. i don't know how well it fits the peach vibe, but the colour of the can is nice.
overall rating:
[====[ 5 ]] - love this one. it's just peach rings in a can, and i love peach rings.
sharp to smooth:
can design:
overall rating: